


25 Candles and a Mathematician

by darlingdeathbird



Series: AU Wonderland and Various Associates [2]
Category: Adventures In Wonderland (TV 1992)
Genre: Inside jokes, Totally just a friendship, real life people - Freeform, why am i posting this, you wouldn't get it
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-30
Updated: 2020-09-30
Packaged: 2021-03-07 22:55:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,729
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26725513
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/darlingdeathbird/pseuds/darlingdeathbird
Summary: It's Jenna's birthday, and Rabbit has plans. The salty, petty mathematician she lives with also has plans... to ruin his plans.
Series: AU Wonderland and Various Associates [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1945081
Comments: 1





	1. Chapter 1

At precisely the time he was asked, Mr. Proops dallied patiently in front of Jenna and Dodgson's house. As he stood beneath the streetlight, he could see a fleeting shadow or two behind the thin, white curtains in the downstairs window. One hand was in his pocket, and the other very ineptly maneuvered a King of Spades, which quivered between his fingers and fell flat to the ground every so often. Proops was a tenacious man, however, and he picked up the card each time and tried again and again to conceal it behind his palm.

Just as he was finally getting the hang of it, he heard the click of the front door and saw Dodgson coming straight towards him,  _with haste!_ His hair was a block of frizzy curls, and there were dark circles under his eyes, but within them a fire of determination burned. “Proops, I've got a plan, and I'll waste no time explaining it-- uh. What are you doing?”

“Oh, I'm-- I'm just practicing my slight of hand. I'm learning magic now, remember?”

“Right, right. Listen: we must go to Wonderland.”

“Wonderland?!”

“Did I STUTTER?!” Dodgson burst, although Proops responded with only a wary stare. He took a few deep whiffs of the cool summer air to quell his temper, then cleared his throat. “Walk with me, talk with me,” he continued. Proops obliged. “Yes, we must go to Wonderland. And trust me, the place inspires none of my patience these days, but there are things that will be going on there.”

“ _Things?”_

“Yes, things that are outrageous to even imagine. You don't happen to have a cigar on you, do you?” Proops shook his head with the deepest of shame. “Ehh, of course you don't.”

“Well tell me. What is it?” Dodgson couldn't help but let a quiet sigh of despair pass his lips. 

“Tomorrow is Jenna's birthday. Rabbit has invited her to Wonderland to celebrate the occasion, and _she has accepted_ ,” he grated beneath his breath. Proops could already sense the scandal afoot but waited for more details. “And I just can't _believe it!_ ” Dodgson went on. “She knows very well that she could have her birthday with _me_ , and I have been dropping hints for _weeks_ of a grand celebration, and it didn't even impress her!”

“Ugh, I swear,” Proops answered.

“She's the only woman who's never been charmed by me, and I just. Can't. Live with that! I know what I can and can't do in this world, but I believe I ought to charm every woman alive. And some of the dead ones, too.”

“A fine goal, Dodgson. Certainly not out of the question.”

“Well thank you.”

“It makes no sense to me why she wouldn't be crazy about you.”

“You know, it's complicated. The truth is Jenna is probably very charmed by me,” he explained to Proops, who nodded fervently. “Maybe ten times more charmed than anybody else because of how often she must be exposed to my wit and playfulness. However, she just has too much pride to admit it. She has learned to shut off her face so it doesn't smile; she has learned to fake a disdainful tinge in all of her laughter; she is practiced in the art of Instant Criticism, even of thoroughly flawless proposals. Ehhh, I'll give her that. But it is a matter, now, of having more charm than Jenna does pride.” By then, Proops had made sure to nod over and over again. “I was never really trying that hard, because I'm naturally charming, and I thought it would suffice. But now I will.”

“Y-yes, good idea, Charles. But what are we supposed to do in Wonderland?” Proops stopped and waited as Dodgson hooked his arm around a streetlight, quite dead in the eyes for a moment. “Charles.”

“O-oh, I'm sorry. I was just thinking of ways to be charming.”

“A-are we going to have like a... _better_ party or something?”

“No,” Dodgson answered, very firm. “Charming Jenna is step two of the plan. Step one is to make sure Rabbit is utterly _uncharming_ and _unsuccessful_ at whatever wooing he attempts, and as it just so happens,” he went on, slipping a folded paper from his coat pocket, “I've got a letter _straight from the bunny's mouth_ about all the planned festivities, when and where. It's as if he _wants_ to be sabotaged, isn't it!”

The two of them cackled for an unreasonably long time before Proops abruptly stopped.

“Wait a minute: Rabbit sent you a letter telling you what his plans are for her birthday?”

“HAHAH-- no, of course not. We don't speak anymore. I found this on Jenna's desk.”

“Oh.” With eyes briefly darting, Dodgson stuffed the letter back into his pocket. “Well, should we start planning? 

“SHHH,” Dodgson shooshed. “We don't need to plan. I've been working on it all day. Just meet me at sunrise,” he ordered, just before he hopped atop a bench and raised his fist to the moon. “He will be sorry he ever thought to take competition with me, Proops!” 

“I don't doubt it for a second!” Proops exclaimed, and he too jumped upon the bench with his arms raised. Dodgson's face went from a devilish grin to a gaping grimace all in a second.

“What are you doing? Get off. This is _my_ bench.”

“Oh, sorry,” Proops said, and he removed himself. As quickly as it came, the tension in Dodgson's face ceased, but his lips hesitated to address his next subject. As Proops glanced down to his shoes and thought to rub away a scuff he spied even in the dim twilight, Dodgson brushed his chin repeatedly as though he had an imaginary goatee. All this stalling was getting him nowhere, so he flapped his hands.

“Listen, uhh...” Proops turned around and waited. “I know the bitter state we've been in, what with the Candy Underground being shut down. I know the two of us must be suffering tremendously from the losses of that enterprise.” Touched by his words, Proops bowed his head and shifted his weight between his legs. “Why, I can hardly afford my shipments of Danish tea, nor my hair mousse, nor my grade A sesame seeds for the parentheses. They take only half my orders now and I've had to do an unacceptable amount of things for myself lately. _I have to put my slippers on my own feet now!_ Jenna has had scarce sympathy, too, and shuts doors on me whenever I even begin to complain about it. I mean, how dare she?! Has she any idea that without these luxuries, a man grows uninspired? I swear, she thinks the profits from the Number Studio just fall from the sky.”

“Takes it all for granted, I would say. And don't forget she has that bunny over.”

“Pillaging from our pantry, no less!” Dodgson looked as if he had many more grievances before the headlights of a city bus blared in his face. He swished his hands all over the place in order to keep the bus from stopping at the curb, even rose up and down from his tip-toes, but the bus rolled straight next to Proops with a cringe-worthy screech and opened its doors.

“Sir! I made it abundantly clear we don't--” he began, just as several young women stepped out and directed stares at him just as confused as the bus driver's, who was also a woman. “Um, n-n-ne-nevermind. C-Carry on with business.”

The driver squinted before she yanked the lever that snapped the doors shut. The women, for any number of reasons, whether to do with his hair, his clothes, or his manner, were giggling at Dodgson as they walked away, but by now Proops, too, had a greivance. "Yeah, things are so tough now, I've been wearing the same underwear for a week." Dodgson had really only heard the last few words of it, as he had been staring at the ladies from behind, but, slowly, his head turned in his direction.

"Um. Mr. Proops, I fail to see the connection,” he said, something of a furrow fading in and out of his brow.

"Well... I personally couldn't do without the hair mousse, so I had to sell all my underwear just to afford it." It was easy to see that Mr. Proops expected some small token of sympathy returned to him, but Dodgson stepped down from the bench and cleared his throat again.

“Well this was much needed commiseration, Proops. Every man should have another man around, like you.” He had already begun a brisk return the way they came, so Mr. Proops stumbled over himself just trying to catch up. After an awkward walk back, and _very awkward_ goodnights, they agreed that the level of mischief they had in mind could only be wreaked on a full night's sleep. 

“I shall meet you in the upstairs library at five o'clock sharp, which shall be an hour past noon in Wonderland,” Dodgson told Proops with vigor. “Yes, this shall all be perfectly orchestrated. A man of minutia, I am. And you, my footman.”


	2. Chapter 2

It was apparent to Proops very shortly into the morning that his dear friend hadn't worked out every detail of his plan, no matter how sure of himself he may have been, because he found himself outside of the house at five o'clock sharp, lingering helplessly...pathetically... with no idea how he was supposed to get in without rousing Jenna's attention. He squinted at the upstairs window, wishing that the room behind it were the library so that Dodgson, who was surely waiting for him by then, could see him. Then he could flag him down to remind him that he was never given a house key. Alas, it was a bathroom... so instead he had to hope that before their meeting Dodgson would primp in the mirror.  
  
But he wasn't there!   
  
Why did this man refuse to join the times and get himself a cellphone?! Even his septuagenarian contender had one.   
  
He was worried that Dodgson would be mad he was late, even if it was technically his fault, so he shrugged and knocked on the door. Nobody answered, so he knocked some more, this time more passionately. It was taking too long, so he knocked a third time, though just as he started to, the door swung open. It was Jenna in her bathrobe who greeted him, with some sort of creamy, whipped face mask. “Really?” She asked, blowing on her freshly painted finger nails. Clearly, she was getting ready for that bunny...  
  
“Oh, good morning, Jenna.” She had seen him enough this week, and he knew that, so when she didn't answer he wasn't all that surprised. “Hey, is Dodgson home?”  
  
“Yes, he's home, but he's sick, and he's being a serious bitch about it.” Proops was genuinely concerned and confused for a moment.   
  
“Oh! That's just awful! You don't mind if I...  _check_ on him, do you?” She was loathe to say it, but:  
  
“No, you can  _check_ on him,” she answered. “But only if you stay out of my way.”  
  
“Oh, I could easily do that.”  
  
“And keep your voice down. None of that Marco Polo shit.”  
  
“Oh, I wouldn't think of it,” he told her, attempting to enter the house, but she she kept her arm in his way.  
  
“And you'll take off your shoes.”  
  
“Certainly,” he said, in such a hurry to comply that he squirmed out of them right on the entry mat.   
  
“And if he's well enough to talk to you, you won't argue. You'll be quiet together and behave.”   
  
“Absolutely.” She cleared the way and watched him hurry past her, but she wasn't quite done with him yet.  
  
“And if you steal anything,  _anything_ , I will notice, and I will come for you.”  
  
“You will find everything as it was. Scout's honor!” He declared as he turned on his heel and placed a solemn hand over his heart. “Happy Birthday, by the way!” As he clambered up the stairs, trying to hide his snickering, she took her time closing the door and thinking it through.  _Had she told him it was her birthday?_

When Proops went upstairs, he found a cluster of parentheses clambering and throwing themselves against the doors to the master bedroom. Very carefully, he had to creep through the swarming mass and knock. “Dodgson. It's Proops. Can I come in? Your parentheses are all at the door!” It didn't immediately open, but when it did, Dodgson was pinching the bridge of his nose as the parentheses swirled about his ankles. “Jenna said you were sick!” Proops told him, and it seemed quite so, as he was still in his gown and cap!  
  
“Oh yes, very sick! Who knows what's come over me! Perhaps heartbreak!” He answered, leaning forward and shouting it towards the stairs instead of at Proops, who caught on very quickly what he was doing. He added in some dry coughs and closed the door behind him, then lead Proops (and the parentheses) down the hall towards the library, where he found a giant fan folded up on the bookcase and used it to swat at his unruly punctuation marks.  
  
“They think it's dinner time,” he grumbled.   
  
“Well, isn't it?”  
  
“Yes, but that's Jenna's problem-- HEY HEY HEY, NO! NNNO! You do not hump Daddy's leg! Get out of here! Jenna will feed you! I saw her buying sesame seeds – she has what you want! Now, out with you! Daddy's sick!” And again, he coughed most dramatically. Proops was still unclear whether they understood anything Dodgon was saying, yet one by one they all filed out of the room until he could close the door, and he did so with an emphatic sigh of relief. Then he opened his eyes and suddenly frowned. “Why don't you have any shoes?” Proops shook himself out of his thoughts and looked down to his wiggling toes through his socks.  
  
“Oh, it was the only way I could get inside.” Dodgson pinched his nose again.  
  
“What-...Whatever. We don't have time for this. I need you to help me carry this stuff to Wonderland.” All at once, Dodgson was handing him a heavy sack that at first he struggled to swing over his shoulder. Then he saw that Dodgson had only saved a couple of small boxes for himself. Proops was close to protesting about it, had he not been interrupted with such a stern warning. “We'll be entering through the palace. Passing straight through Rabbit's room, to be precise. Normally, I'd tell you to pilfer, muddle, and vandalize how you please, but we musn't let anyone important know we were ever in Wonderland today. Do you understand?”  
  
“He'll find everything as it was! Scout's honor!” Again, he slapped his hand to his heart.   
  
“Very good, my friend! Let us go forth!”


	3. Chapter 3

It did not seem as if a dear friend were visiting Rabbit that day, with a whole string of delightful activities planned. He buzzed from room to room more like a wasp after a stock market crash. In his eyes was panic as if he'd seen raining grenades in the forecast. He was making his last arrangements like a neurotic student who wasn't prepared to present his dissertation. And frankly, it was making it almost impossible for the Queen to enjoy her breakfast.   
  
“Jesus Christ, Rabbit! What has gotten into you?”  
  
“I'm sorrehh~~... I-I don't know. I suppose it will always be this way when, when-”   
  
“Honestly! You're too old to get like this about a _woman._ _Can you even get it up anymore?”_ She muttered to herself as she tapped her fork over her pancakes. The thought of it destroyed the rest of her appetite right there on the spot.   
  
“What?” Rabbit asked from across the dining room.  
  
“Nothing.” He hadn't the time to worry what she was mumbling about, so he finished wiping down the mantle and set a vase of roses on each end.   
  
“Now, your Majesty, I've taken great care to make sure you're comfortable this evening~,” he told her as he took her plate out from under her. As she sipped tentatively at her orange juice, he gave her a rundown of his preparations. “I've picked up a new TV guide and left it on the table beside the chaise lounge. There's a new episode of _The Royal Real World_ at eight o'clock!”  
  
“I hate that show. So degrading.”  
  
“Yyyyyes, well, luckily _Wonderland Squares_ will be on at nine... perhaps you can watch that.” She had no comment. “There's a DiGourno pizza in the freezer. Better than delivery, I hear! And should anything occur as you prepare it, remember we _do_ have a fire extinguisher in the pantry. And I've written a list of emergency numbers by the phone in the throne room--”  
  
“Ohh!! You act like I don't know how to take care of myself!” She interrupted, slamming her chalice down. Rabbit's response to the splatter of juice that landed on the table was immediate: he whipped out a dishrag from his vest pocket and dabbed it accordingly.   
  
“I'm terribly sorry; that wasn't my intention. I just wanted all of my bases covered. You told me I could turn my pager off tonight, and I take that very seriously."  
  
“Did I say that?” Rabbit scrunched up the rag and looked at her, eyes just a little bit wider than they were. It seemed like the Queen was reconsidering it, but she was ultimately too indignant about the notion that she couldn't handle one night alone in the palace. “Uh, of course I did. Whatever.” And so, she rose to her feet and made her way out. “I'm taking a bubble bath.” Rabbit was doing a little dance about how happy he was that he could chuck that stupid pager before he stumbled to catch up with her.  
  
“Uhh, I may be gone by the time you get out. Is there anything I should do first~?”  
  
“Nope.”  
  
“Not even place your towels by the tub?” She stopped and squinted.  
  
“Fine. Just that.” 


	4. Chapter 4

Now that they were strolling through the crisp paths of the Wonderland forest, Dodgson pulled out their dastardly agenda and held it out too far in front of him to read his own handwriting. So he pulled it a little bit closer, stuck up his nose, and cleared his throat. “Mr. Proops, are you listening?”  
  
“I'm trying as hard as I can,” he told him, thought he was just a stumble away from dropping everything that Dodgson was having him carry. Dodgson, himself, was now empty-handed except for that scrap of paper.  
  
“And so~!” He began. “We begin our mission, today, the 11 th of June, Jenna's birthday: a day which she will be sorry to have shared with a less than qualified, less than coordinated, less than  _appreciated_ ~!”  
  
“Yes, yes?!” Dodgson did not miss the impatience in this utterance.   
  
“Wholey decadant and wicked individual whose name I shan't even bother speaking. His plans – certainly not exciting plans: I can't even imagine how this compelled a woman I know to be quite finicky about these things – are as follows. First, she will have tea at the Hatter's at four o'clock sharp. Or... four o'clock give-or-take. I honestly can't remember how deligent he is about these things, so for that reason we will show up early in the chance he's foolish enough to start his tea party at 3:55, which I wouldn't put past him.” He glanced around to check on Proops, who had been glaring at the back of his head. “Because of the pitiful square-footage of Hatter's home, we won't be able to sneak in and have a muck with things, so we will have to manage our mischief on the outside. I have learned, through the grape vine, that Hatter's habit of jumping on the table has gotten  _out of control._ So, Proops, I will give you the honor of treating whatever grand spread we find before us like a slip-n-slide once he's not looking. Then all his cups and saucers will be dirty! And how will he have a tea party?!  _**AHAHAHA!** _ ” All that was missing was thunder above their heads. Proops did look rather delighted.  
“From there, they will have dinner at the Wonderland gardens, where Rabbit has rented a gazebo and hired a violinist. Preposterous, isn't it? Every gentleman knows you hire an oboist for dinner: string instruments are strictly for breakfast! What a fool he is.”  
  
“Yes, quite foolish!” Dodgson heard from behind him, followed by a thud. He turned around to find that Proops had slumped to the ground and dropped one of their sacks. He paid it no mind and swiveled back forward.  
  
“Now, this next plan should be--”  
  
“Dodgson, do you mind if I have a rest for a moment?” He turned around again.  
  
“Hm?”  
  
“Well I was just thinking you could read the rest of your list while we're sitting, then we could have a bite of this food we picked up.”  
  
“Oh... right...” For a moment, Dodgson just stared as Proops tried to shuffle the boxes and the take-out to one arm so he could set aside the sack pulling down his shoulder. Then he considered helping him.   
  
“After that, maybe since you'll be done with that list you can, uh, you know, take your boxes back  _so I don't have to fuckin' carry everything--_ ”  
  
“What?”  
  
“Nothing.” Finally, Proops managed to set the stack of boxes on the groud, and he plopped down with a huff on a fallen tree trunk. Dodgson squinted at Proops as long as it took for him to notice before he continued.   
  
“Any- _hoo_ . Should a tea party continue at all, the Hare will be over with those boxes.”  
  
“The ones we've just left on the Hare's doorstep?”  
  
“Yes!”   
  
“The ones I couldn't even have a look in?!”  
  
“YOU WILL SEE IN DUE TIME, PROOPS,” Dodgson snapped back at him. “Now, this is merely parts one and two of my three step plan. Step three is when--”  
  
“Uhh, Dodgson? You've said the first part of our plan is at 4 o'clock?”  
  
“No no no, shortly before 4 o'clock.”  
  
“Well--”  
  
“And before that, we're to rent a violin and a tailcoat.”  
  
“Right, right, then we have time to eat these Happy Meals before they're cold, don't we?” Dodgson was, for whatever reason, irritated with Proops' fixation on the Happy Meals, so much that it would interrupt the fascinating plans in which he was divulging him.   
  
“Would you listen to me if you had your fries and chicken nuggets, old boy?”  
  
“Oh, you know it, man!”   
  
So Dodgson looked around for the bag and pulled out their respective boxes. They each had chocolate milkshakes too. Though Dodgson found a pickle in his burger, and he was absolutely traumatized.


	5. Chapter 5

Rabbit, for the life of him, did not know what to wear, and between his chores he had been throwing on argyle sweater vests and all of his fancy bowties, trying to find that winning combination. Getting ready was not a casual affair with bath robes and face-masks for him. In fact, in his opinion, as he scraped for any shred of time that he could to prepare for the evening ahead, he was getting  _less presentable!_ Finally, not long before her arrival, he was in his room with the mirror pulled out from his closet and sitting in the sunlight filtering in through the drawn curtains. He never worried about it when he was going to visit her, but he dreaded to think that Jenna's arrival in Wonderland would be in that dim, cramped space, or that her first sights would be of dusty photo albums and bins of bunny boxer shorts.   
  
He had donned a soft, grey waistcoat with a floral patterned bowtie. His pocket-watch was nicely polished. He had combed back his whiskers and tamed his fuzz to the best of his ability. The last thing he thought to do to ready himself was pull out a little white box and start muttering to himself what he might like to say to her.   
  
Of course, his greatest fear was that the Queen would sneak up on him while he was doing this... and that was exactly what happened. She was apparently having a very pressing thought and needed to voice it immediately. “Rabbit, are you trying to get married?”  
  
The box flew right out of his fingers and over his head, and suddenly he was scurrying about the floor of his bedroom trying to retrieve the ring. “W-w-w-w-w-wha--- I  _beg_ your pardon?! Yo'a~ Majesteh~?!”  
  
“I'm just saying! Do I need to make preparations for a new bunny around here?!”  
  
“N-n-n-n-n—of course, not!” He insisted, continuing to scrounge and almost hitting his head on his desk in the process. Despite how pathetic he looked, the Queen was getting irritated.  
  
“Then what is the ring for?!” He popped up with it held carefully between his gloved fingers, then blew off the dust and sighed.   
  
“Well, i-i-it's just a friendship ring, yo'a~ Majesteh~...” He explained. The Queen squinted.  
  
“A what?” This clearly did not ring true to her.   
  
“Well, you see, Alice gave me the idea. We were at the Wonderland mall the other day,” he started, flashing her a tiny, baby blue box he had sitting on his desk with a little dragonly graphic on the top. “And she was telling me that she and her friends buy each other friendship jewelryyyy~... necklaces, bracelets... Of course, I cahn't wear any of my own, t'would be awfully silly, but, I-I know Jenna likes this sort of thing, and I... well, I  _do_ appreciate her friendship...” His eyes had grown in size and were even a little glassy, but the Queen still tilted her head.   
  
“So is this just to see if she's interested?” Rabbit fell to his knees again, this time knocking his bowtie sideways. “Honestly, Rabbit! You're completely transparent! Just ask the girl already – I've had enough of you two dancing around the subject!”  
  
“We're not dancing! Truly! It's a friendship ring, and nothing else, I swear to Christ!” He was more or less begging her to understand, but to no avail. She just left the room with him swiveling on his furry knees, embarrassed that he had ever brought up that he got his ideas from teenage girls. 

Then he felt someone poke his shoulder and looked up to see that it was the birthday girl herself. “AH!” He shrieked, stuffing the ring box somewhere she couldn't see.   
  
“Hi?” She answered, always so mysteriously charmed by his ineptitude, and looking as classy as ever in a knee-length daffodil yellow dress and black flats. Her complexion was just flawless today. She even had lipstick in.  _What did_ _**that** _ _mean?!_ Nevermind. Why was he not on his feet, welcoming his lady?! He shot up and scrunched his shoulders with glee.  
  
“Hello, Jenna~!”   
  
“Hehe, hi, Rabbit.”

A shy, hesitant pause later, and they were having a very squishy hug, and enjoying it. The Queen may or may not have been eavesdropping, thinking to herself their hugs were sure very  _long_ and very  _squishy_ for just friends.   
  
“I hope I didn't startle you. I was just worried we might be late to Hatter's. Last time, we got stopped so many times along the way--”  
  
“I know, I know!” Rabbit said with his chin still over her shoulder. “I don't understa~nd why that Cat wants to ask you so many questions. He's a menace, is what he is.”  
  
“I like him!” Rabbit could only smile as they rocked each other back and forth. Finally, they let go, and Jenna smoothed out her dress and told him he looked nice. Underneath all that white fur, he was blushing.  
  
“As do you, m'ladyyy~!” Once they were done giggling to themselves, Rabbit found the nerve to escort her out the door and pretend he was a lot more confident than he really was. “Well you're right to be worried,” he trailed as he gallantly tread beside her, and the Queen watched from a secret vantage point down the corridor. “The Hatter's hardly diligent about these things, and could very well start his party early~... Why, if he remembers we're coming at all, I'll be shocked,” Rabbit told her. 


End file.
